It seems like forever, but only a couple of weeks have passed, which means there is too much I choose not to remember as my past is disappearing if forever is two weeks ago. I have watched the ankle turn into an official sized softball that sends a sharp pain through my broken body then slowly return to near normal size with less pain. The rotgut alcohol around ignored piece of terra firma has been a good night medication on occasion, otherwise sleep would not have been possible, and as beautiful as all of those stars up there in the sky can be, a man requires rest. I am recovering, if one can recover in these conditions.

The days are getting longer and warmer. It seems every place I hobble to reinforces the stories I have heard about the plight of men. More and more came, despondent, hopeless, having left families behind because they are unable to pay the bills and feel they have become a burden, and the government is more prone to help a mother abandoned. Having destroyed the families of good and proud in the black community, apparently the doers of “good intentions” in the governing operation will not be satisfied until they have achieved their actioned goal: the destruction of the family. And I hide here, licking my wounds...this cannot suffice.

Moving amongst the new men who are unsure how they have found themselves without in this nation of stated greatness, I ask, prodding to understand. I can give no suggestions, for I have found myself living like this for years, but as one of the first to be out of character in this environment, I must, will, be one of the first to excise myself from this dead end zombie camp...but how...when...

I must change my surroundings. With all of these men having lost their homes, there must be many empty homes. A razor, some running water and I can cleanup and reenter the world. I must. I cannot hide him any longer, no matter how I feel about myself. Moving in a direction, out, that is all I need to do. It is the dawn of a new day of delights, so why not now...there does not have to be an excuse today.

Beginning my exit, I leave the ruin of the shantytown in an unclaimed lot and begin to walk. There is pain, but the future is ahead, and I must go. I no longer look down as I walk, but into the eyes of my citizenry to let them know of my return, of the return of goodness. Every man and woman had the same response; they looked away, still preferring I did not exist, unable able to see the he within me.

After 40 minutes down the road to a new beginning, I caught the eyes of a young and vibrant beauty. She did not look away but smiled and said hello. It is she that calls for the return of he. And as I turned my head to make a mental note of goodness to be dataed while forging ahead, I stepped in a pothole on the sidewalk, causing my good ankle to fold like a cheap, thin paperback. I was on the ground, hands and knees bleeding before I realized what was happening.

This is greatness? Goodness? Impotence. Tears come to my eyes. I just wish to fade away. What evil has caused my ruin, when we are the creators of our own evil? Tears. I just want to slowly fade away. But that is not he who resides in me. I don’t have to stay down.

The mind begins to work at overcoming the creeping weakness assaulting my ambition. If I stay down, the new bad ankle will swell and I go nowhere. Epiphany whispers in my ear, “You can’t leave me. You are a member of my village. You can’t leave. Come back, your cardboard bedroom is still there and you can rest until your ankles are better. You don’t have to stay for long, just till you feel better, then you can go and take on the new world.” I do need to rest that ankle, but Epiphany is such an easy whore. Once you accept you belong in her bosom you may never leave, because she will lie to you and tell you every lie you know as truth and can embrace, yet when you get her in her naked perfection, truth is undeniable. She calls me back, to heal, which is perfectly reasonable.

“I’ve got you,” a young man’s voice offers as he helps lift my slowly rising body.

“Thank you,” I offer automatically resurrecting instilled good graces, then get a look in his face. The young man has deep blue eyes and a smile that is pure and generous. The smile is a gift. He sees me. He helps me. No judgment, just concern. I smile back, feeling elevated. He within me feels the hand of fate good trying to intercede. “Thank you,” I offer again, enveloped in his goodness, warmed by the fact he was still touching me, not drawing his hands back in repulsion after being erected.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yes. Yes I am. Thank you, young man.”

“Is there anything I can do for you? Do you need help getting anywhere or anything?”

“No. Thank you, but...no. You have been a true gentleman.”

“Anything else?”

Whether it was the generous smile or the warm eyes or the desperation of nothingness but possibility, I felt comfortable asking. “I need work, a job,” I whispered, trying to hide the obvious desperation.

“I don’t know what I can do. I work at that coffee shop over there. They are always hiring. You should put in an application.”

Looking at my appearance, my clearly desperate, smelly presence and know how such an application would go, just like it did every other time. “Thank you, son. Thank you, but this does not go over as well as you might think,” I answer with a guilt relieving smile.

Without hesitation, the young man guided me into the giant store of pharmaceutical dispensing. Limping, I followed without question, an article of faith or curiosity. He grabbed a hand basket and took me to the personal hygiene products. Into his basket he threw a disposable razor, shampoo, soap, scissors, a nail clipper and some deodorant. As we were leaving the area he spotted some protein health bars and threw a few of those into the basket. He then took me to the clothing department and selected a shirt, pants and shoes, each costing less than a cup of coffee at his place of employ. He then went to the register.

“This should do it. Put these on after you clean up and I am sure you can get a job, as long as you are a hard worker?”

I nodded, assuring him I was not a bum, just without.

“Nope,” he said, looking into his basket.

He exited the checkout line. I was sure he was going to take everything back. I feared he had changed his mind or was an evildoer who just wanted to taunt the less fortunate. The panic was desperation, hope fading. He was taking it back. He did not. He went and picked up a toothbrush and toothpaste, and a small bottle of mouthwash. “Our manager has a thing about breath. If you have bad breath, you don’t get hired.”

“Thank you for the warming,” I said meekly, dependent, unsure of how to react to a man who was trying to change my life for a few dollars.

“You should get these also,” he said, picking up a bottle of aspirin. “It will help keep the swelling down.”

The pain was there, but I was ignoring the anchor of misery as this young man gave me more hope than I dared to consider after so many years of simply surviving. He did not see what I had become but who I had been and could be again.

“Thank you,” I offered again. Then again at checkout. Then again outside the building. And again as he walked away toward his work, encouraging me to apply but demanding nothing.

Standing alone with a bag of taken for granted basics held tightly with both hands, I wondered why, and what I must do to make the most of this opportunity. It was now up to me to give purpose to his actions.

Naked and perfect, Epiphany returned. She smiled, letting me know that I was welcome to return and that it would be easy, but that I would never leave, because to leave means to have moved beyond just trying to survive. As perfect as she was, she showed me truth and I limped away, with her comforts of nothing at my back.

Protein, pills and safety at my back, I limped away. I needed to find an abandoned house, something, to take a shower and get cleaned up. I think I might have a shot at a job.

Wherever I go, I cannot go back, back to the place where I have held myself hostage for years. Epiphany’s naked beauty has shown me truth...I can hold myself hostage anytime.